pink desperation..

am i becoming desperate when every night i'll feel alone and gloomy...??
desperate as in desperate to become depressed?
does this makes any sense?
i coloured my hair pink..then red..then blue..
but it's just a temporary colour..
so no big..
if i can make it permanent then i know that the old 'me' is gone..
i've become a bad, rebellious, sinful girl..
that's my thoughts on this..
is it the same as smoking cigarettes?
or less worst?
or maybe much more worst?
i feel like i'm losing someone dear to me..
i miss that someone..
but then i also loathe that person..
i thought that person was different..
but in the end it's all the same..
same old thing..
same old mistake..
have i lost that feeling once again?
have i lost the chance to find happiness again?
my mixed up feelings..
will it change me?
will it change for the better me?
i want love..
a real and true one..
i want to feel it again..
and i want to be happy..
i want it to be unending..
is it possible??
or impossible?
that's the question..