Friday, October 31, 2008

My guilty pleasures...

My cRushes *winks* :

-Penn Badgley
-u can watch him in 'Gossip Girl' acting as Dan Humphrey
-born November 1, 1986

-Lee Dong Wook
- u can see him in 'My Girl'
- born November 6, 1981

-Kim Ji Hoon
-u can see him in 'Love Marriage'
- born May 9, 1981

My top twenty favourite LOVE songs...
(u should try hearing it!!)

1. Ashlee simpson - Undiscovered
2. Tom Waits - I hope that I don't fall in love with you
3. Nsync - Gone
4. Agnes Monica - Matahariku
5. AJ Rafael - So quiet
6. All American Rejects - Straight jacket feelings
7. Penny Tai - Ni yau de ai
8. Darren Hayes - Insatiable
9. Death Cab for Cutie - The ice is getting thinner (look for the alternative one)
10. Cascada - Everytime we touch (find the slow version)
11. Sarah Mclaughlin - When she loved me
12. Edwin Mccain - I could not ask for more
13. The Faders - Whatever it takes
14. Faith Hill - This kiss
15. Flop Poppy - Masih
16. Jason Mraz - If it kills me
17. Jesse Mccartney - Why don't you kiss her
18. Raul Midon ft Jason Mraz - Keep on hoping
19. Jonas Brothers - Love bug
20. Within Tempations - Memories

Saturday, October 25, 2008

learning to let go..

all the good people out there..(i'm sure you are all good,deep deep inside ur heart and soul,im sure u'll find the better u..)


it's always about love when it comes to me..or life..well, what else...maybe i'll write about food next time..when i have the mood...

well, love alone is never should know this..whether it's an unrequited love, unpassionate love..having the third person..the bitch..the he-bitch..the backstabber..or maybe having someone,your family against your love..ah..the forbidden love..that's the this era, love alone would not need need reassurance for whoever that you're going to marry will provide you with,protection and so on..well, i maybe am still a teenager who you would assume that i know nothing about love..but, i've have my fair share of heartbreaks and feeling like, what i think is love..whether it's because i was bored with that guy, or that guy was bored with me, or having difference backgrounds..all are heartbreaking,being the dumper or the dumpee..well, heartbreaks for the dumpee is usually harder and horrifying. and my experience as the dumpee is much higher..if love alone is enough, then all of this feelings like getting bored with one another, or having difference backgrounds would not matter at all..but in this real harsh reality, it does..maybe u can say,just to be positive that that is not love..what i'm talking about here is not love because love is true and forever..i feel that love is a subjective can have different meaning to different people. i still think that what i've experienced is love, for those feelings made me feel like i was flying high in the air or made my life more brighter. it is love, but it just didn't last.


the hardest part of falling in love.this is the part where u fall for clouds, no prince charming to save you. only you can save yourself, not ur mom,ur dad,ur friends and mostly not ur lover.i mean ur once upon a time lover.
the moment it happen, u cried and then u laugh..the next morning u open ur eyes, u realise what has really happened..u lost someone that for all u know could be the better half of u..u cried and cried until there are no more tears left.u cried until ur heart can't bear it anymore. u cried for weeks, months or maybe years..u hope that ur lover would come back to u, that everything would be better even it has been months..u want to let go but u couldn't find the strength to let go because deep in your heart u r afraid that, that person is the one u r meant with..if u let go, all hope is lost..some say another girl or another guy can be the cure for ur sadness..anger,hate can be the remedy for ur pain..but how long does it last?will it really guarantee you a happiness that last...i say, it won't because only time can cure ur pain and ur sadness..only time can erase the memories u had with ur loved ones..all u gotta do is be strong for yourself, for the people around matter how hard or how hurting the pain is, u just have to get through it and smile like it has never happened..i believe that if u kept on lying about ur feelings, then it'll be'll be happy for real..letting go is tough but u gotta do it somehow because after letting go, happiness is just within your shouldn't look back and reminisce about the past, but he should look forward and never look back again,forever..just remember that everything happens for a reason..if it was meant to be then that person will come back to u..never hold back ur tears, but just let it out..

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

falling, step at a time..

first of all,i gotta say FLIGHT OF THE DEAD suxx...i watched it before..on tv..but i dun remember why...there's just so many things that is stupid in it, including the bloody ppl in it...why oh why did i watched it..i'm regretting it..very2 much..

secondly...i hate myself...i loathe myself..i am a weak person..i let myself hope again..n now i'm crushed...just like that..yesterday was like a dream and today it's nightmare..but i'm not going to let out my depression here like i used to..i act dunno what i'm going to write since all i do is write about depression on life and guys...guys..i hate them...i hate them all..i don't want to care anymore..the hell with them..i should go out partying and let loose...not get laid though cause that's just would be the end of me life..have i even had a life yet???is this life..i don't want sucks..but other people's life sucks even more so someone should slap me face now and make me realised that my life is actually good and i have all these ppl around me who cares for me..

MUGGLE- ur my best friend..i love u...u have been there whenever i need u..ur like my guidance..never hiding things from me..u just said everything starightforward how i've changed into a bad bitchy i can be..but u r there for me no matter what..n i thank u for that cz without u my life would be meaningless and who noes ill be more than just a bitch..

WIWIE-ur my other half..we practically have the same mind..we go crazy together and u alwiz listen to my shit..ur one of my besties..eventhough i sumtimes dun 'layan' u but i gotta say i love u..if ur not here i wud go crazy..siyes shite!

SYU-ur my have been hard on u but still u listen to my crap too..n im going to do the same for u cz ur my fren n dats what i do best..u just gotta hang on babe..

SANAH-uve been with me since my sem 1..u listen to my moans about life eventhough it bores u..i noe la wei..we've been tru hell together..(hell-r*ifan*)...wutever it is...ur my bitch n ill b ur bitch..ahaks..

BYLA-i dunno wuts ur prob is..honestly i dunno wuts the connection betw ur bf n us cz u shud noe frens will alwiz be there for u..n u shouldn ditch us like ur doin now...i jz hope ull realise it before its too late..but i still love u mate..

CHOMEY-ur still new to our group but i love u n hope we'll stay frens ull 'layan' wiwie whenever i dun have the mood to..

SYAFIQ-ur one of my oldest fren..ur my pet bro n i love u...u've been there wen i need u..u pick my calls with ur friendly 'hello's..u listen to me..u advice me...u cried wen i cried..i hope we can stay like this forever..

Friday, October 17, 2008

my forgotten favourite,,

i didn't know that it can happen like this..
a feeling which at first i thought was nothing at all..
a feeling that won't affect me..
but it grew into sthin more..
sthin that i am regretting now..
regretting that i opened my heart and all i got was another heartache..
i made a mistake that now leads to bigger mistake..
im trying, reli trying only God knows how to ignore these feelings..
which only brings destruction to me..
a part of me wanted..
a part of me didn't want it..
i wanted to let go and i did..
but now i feel that the best thing to do is not to let go..
hide the feelings..
i will love u in silent..
hope in silent..
for some things are better left unsaid..
i won't die out of this..
i've got my friends..
even if some of them prefer to leave me..
for some reasons..
but the ones who stayed..
i know they are the true ones..
maybe a friend caused this pain im feeling..
a friend...i guess...
i miss the old days..
i want to get back before all of this happens..
a time where happiness is usual..
smiling is a part of me..
things will be better i hope..

Saturday, October 11, 2008

pink desperation..

am i becoming desperate when every night i'll feel alone and gloomy...??
desperate as in desperate to become depressed?
does this makes any sense?
i coloured my hair pink..then red..then blue..
but it's just a temporary colour..
so no big..
if i can make it permanent then i know that the old 'me' is gone..
i've become a bad, rebellious, sinful girl..
that's my thoughts on this..
is it the same as smoking cigarettes?
or less worst?
or maybe much more worst?
i feel like i'm losing someone dear to me..
i miss that someone..
but then i also loathe that person..
i thought that person was different..
but in the end it's all the same..
same old thing..
same old mistake..
have i lost that feeling once again?
have i lost the chance to find happiness again?
my mixed up feelings..
will it change me?
will it change for the better me?
i want love..
a real and true one..
i want to feel it again..
and i want to be happy..
i want it to be unending..
is it possible??
or impossible?
that's the question..

Monday, October 6, 2008

fOur lEttEr wOrd...

finding someone who can make u smile..who can make ur heart it important? how to find that someone??
when is it love is powerful?
the love that still stands strong after years of loneliness?
the love that stay the same or even stronger after going through a lot of hardships?
what is LOVE?
a feeling?
a verb?
is it love when we have to sacrifice?
is it love when we would do anything for that someone?
do we have to think with our hearts more or our brain more when we're in love?

love is supposed to be something enchanted, magical, pure and true....
that's what I learnt from reading too much of fairy tales..
my knight in shining armour, my prince charming, my frog prince, my saviour..
and i am always the damsel in distress..
but as i grew older, these rubbish perceptions changed..
love doesn't seem so magical anymore, nor true..
i loved and lost..
it happens many times until my heart says NO!
i stopped loving anyone, finding myself..
but it didn't last long..
love came when I least expected it..
when I finally closed the door to my heart..
it came knocking and entered without my permission..
gave me hope only to let me be crushed again in dreams and hopes i've once had..
I cried, trying to hold onto something that is vulnerable..
It didn't matter whether it's hurting me or not..
I just didn't want to lose the love i found..
The pain finally got into my brain..
I finally let go both of my hands..
I end up with nothing but a great relief..
I found the courage to let go..
That's what matters most to me..
Love can come again..I will be ready..
and until I found that one true love, I'll keep on holding and letting go..

Sunday, October 5, 2008

a bOnd bEtwEEn TwO hEArts




23 AugUSt 2008
StaDiUm tErtuTup kUala SeLAnGoR
AhmAd hAQqi NazAli bIn AbduL rAzAk and nUriyLiA bt aBdul JaliL

Saturday, October 4, 2008

A fOOl fOr lOve

“Daddy, what is love?” I asked my dad one day. He didn’t answer me at first. I thought he didn’t hear me, so I asked him again in my most sweet mannered voice. I did it finally. He looked at me with his green-ish grey eyes. It was intense. I was scared at first thinking I have asked the wrong question. I was startled when he held my hand firmly and then I saw his eyes shining. I knew he was still in love with mom even though it has been six years since mom passed away. I knew it by the way he always talks about her, how his eyes always shine when he speaks of her. I was deeply affectionate with the love that dad has for mom. I always thought of that and wish that one day I’ll find someone who can love me as much as dad loves mom. I want to love like the way dad loves mom. I finally realised that dad haven’t answered my question yet. I hold his other hand tightly hoping he would tell me the answer soon. He answered finally with the softest voice that I have ever heard. “Darling, remember that love is a verb. Be responsible with everything that you have promised. Don’t ever turn your back on love. Find someone who can make you happy, who loves you more than you love him. Remember this; don’t ever cry over someone who won’t cry over you. Your tears are precious, my dear”. With that, he looked up and continued to read his newspaper without any care for the world.

“Wei you, what happened? I’m talking over here and all you have is a stupid expression on your face,” said Jenny. “Nothing,” I said. I watched my best friend kept on babbling and smiled. My mind wandered off again into the rain. Dad left me last year. It was tough losing someone who has been there for you since you were born but Jenny was there for me to keep me strong. She’s one hell of a friend, I thought to myself. There was a loud thunder suddenly followed by a couple of earth-shaking lightning. I was a bit startled and held Jenny’s hand. “Aiyo, lightning also you scared ah? How to leave you like this la!” I let out a nervous laugh and let go off her hand. “Pssstt, look at that hot guy wearing that white shirt!” Jenny, I realised was talking in her usual high-pitched voice and managed to caught that ‘hot guy’ attention, unfortunately. He looked at our way and smiled. That smile was somehow dazzling and very attractive to me. I told myself to look away and managed to look away after a long time that seems like for hours. I looked at Jenny and saw she was blushing like a school girl who’s just finished dating with her boyfriend. I slapped Jenny on her hand and that brought her back to the reality. “So, he is something. Are you into him, my precious?” I asked her seriously. The way that she blushed after I asked that question gave out the answer. “Do you want me to ask for his number?” I asked again. Jenny blushed again and nodded. I stood up and walked towards that guy. I got to admit that I thought my heart would jump out from my rib cage but I kept my cool. “Erm, hey how are you? I was wondering that if you don’t mind my friend over there having your number. I think she has a crush on you.” I said in a nervous voice. The guy looked at me for a long time until I can feel my cheeks were burning hot. I noticed that he has the same eyes like my late father had, making me more nervous than ever. After what seemed like long hours, he finally smiled and asked for my phone. I gave it to him without hesitation and he typed down his number and save it. I said thank you and walked away from there, slowly and controlling my pace. I looked down to my phone and saw his name. “Here, my queen, I’ve done what I can. His name is Eric and this is his number. Are you satisfied now? Please tell me now that I am your greatest, kindest, coolest friend ever.” I said in a teasing voice. “Yeah, yeah you’re the greatest, kindest and coolest friend ever and I add, what will I ever do without you my dearest friend!” she replied. I laughed and get a glimpsed of Eric. He was good looking but he’s not my type I told myself. After all, Jenny is head over heels with him. I just can’t possibly like someone whom my best friend has a crush on. W e finished our meals and waited for a while for the rain to stopped and headed out. Outside, the air was cool enough that it gave me chills. I hug myself and smiled to Jenny who hasn’t stopped smiling since he got Eric’s number.

I came out from the bathroom after taking a long hot bath. Tomorrow would be the registration day for my university. I’m going to be a degree student, I thought to myself proudly. I’m a big girl now and I can handle everything. New friends, new guys, maybe a new boyfriend and lecturers. The thought of the lecturers sent chills down my back. I jumped a bit when I heard my phone ringing suddenly. “Hello, Jenny you gave me a fright. I was just finishing with my daily long totally awesome bath. You should try it. Total relaxation So, what’s up?” I said non-stop through the phone. “Hello, this is not Jenny,” said a voice which I didn’t recognise at all. I knew it was a male’s voice, but I’m pretty sure that I haven’t heard that voice before. “Who’s this?” I asked in an angry voice. “It’s me, Eric. Still remember, the guy you asked for his phone number?” He replied. I kept quiet for a minute as I was shocked. I finally managed to gather a few questions. “Huh, did you lost Jenny’s number, but where did you get my number then? What about Jenny?” I asked curiously. “Hey, chill laa. I got your number from Jenny. I told Jenny I like you and she’s very understanding with it. So, if u can give me a chance to get to know you better that would be great.” He said again. I got angry and almost yelled at him. “Wey, she’s my friend and what did you do that for? She got a crush on you, haven’t I told you before? Don’t ever call me again unless it’s something to do with Jenny.” With that, I slammed down the phone and threw it on my bed. I let out a big sigh and started to feel pity on Jenny. She must be really mad at me. I should give her a call. I picked up the phone and started dialling her number. “Jenny, Eric just called me. Are you mad at me? I’m so sorry for what happened. He’s a jerk and you should just move on and find another guy. I’m willing to embarrass myself to take any guy’s phone numbers that u want,” I said in one breath. Suddenly, I heard Jenny laughing really hard followed by a guy’s voice asking what’s going on. “Hey, where are you and what are you doing. I’m being serious and all you can do is laugh at me?” I said. “Sorry darling. Eric is yesterday’s news. I’ve found someone new and a total hunk. I was going to tell you about it tonight but you caught me red handed. You can have Eric.” She replied and put down the phone without giving me the chance to ask more questions. What a brilliant friend I told myself. I started to felt sorry for Eric for screaming at him. I decided to message him instead of calling. I’m actually a very coward person when it comes to dealing with problems like this. I sent a message saying I was sorry for behaving that way and hope that he would forgive me. He replied me by asking me whether I am a mix or not. “Haiya, this guy. I asked something else and this is what his answer is. Another brilliant person!” I whispered to myself slowly. I answered yes and we talked for a while and stopped after a few messages.

The day turned out like any other day except that I was registering for my degree year in Multimedia University. I still couldn’t believe who I saw that day. It was Eric, also registering in the same university. I guess he missed to mention the fact that he was going to the same university as me. “Surprise!” was what he told me when I saw him walking towards me. Well, I was surprised indeed. “Wei, you can close your mouth now. I am very touched. If I know u would react this way, I would bring a dozen of red roses and a camera to capture your mouth hanging open and what else would be opened I wonder??” he said while raising his eyebrow teasingly. I could only manage to close my mouth and smiled. “Wow, I didn’t meet you for only a month and you’re getting fatter. What have you been eating my dear?” he asked me again. “Duhh, as a Malaysian I’ve been eating rice and everything else that human beings eat la. What else?” I answered with an evil grin. “Oooh, you very rude now ah? What happened to that girl who asked for my number? She was very polite, asking me how are you and stuff.” Getting me back with my words. Standing there looking at him makes me decide to say goodbye to him and walked away intending to settle my registration as soon as possible. I would see him around campus I figured, so there’s no need to be crazy over him even though he already made me so little by little. “Jenny, I’m over here!” I screamed as I saw Jenny walking past me. I told her what happened between me and Eric while settling our things. After a few hours of settling everything that need to be settled, I finally got the time to breathe properly. Settled down in our new apartment with Jenny, together unpacking things, that seems like we have brought the entire house over. “Let’s get cracking!” Jenny screamed in delight, meaning we have to start making the apartment looking like a home.

Wearing a short pant and a tight t-shirt, Jenny started dancing and cooking at the same time. I was impressed with how she managed to do that stuff in one time. I tuned out the music real loud and followed her dancing while chopping some onions and veggies. “Hey, I can do it as well!” I told Jenny. We ate and then talked for hours. We talked about almost everything, Eric is one of them. In fact, he is the soul of our conversation. “From what I can see, Eric is a good friend and a good guy too. I bet he can make a good boyfriend.” Jenny said while winking at me. “Hey, not going to happen. He’s hot and all, but he’s just not my type. He’s a playboy if I’m not mistaken. You should see the way he talks to me, he’s like trying to seduce me and get me into his bed. No way is that going to happen!” I said seriously. “Hey girl, relax. From what I learnt, you got to give it a chance, see how it goes first. Then you can judge him.” replied Jenny. I kept quiet for a while and checked my phone. There was a message from Eric asking me whether I want to have dinner with him tomorrow or not. I replied with a maybe. I was planning to go to the night market first with Jenny. I slept soundly throughout the night accompanied by the singing of the crickets and toads. A song from f4 “Ni yao de ai’ woke me from my deep sleep. As I opened my heavy eyes, I saw the sun was shining and the birds were singing cheerfully. I woke up with a grin plastered on my face. What a wonderful beginning I said to myself. If only everyday would be like this. Making my way through the bathroom I heard my phone ringing. “Yellow” I said in a cheerful voice. “Morning, beautiful. Care to accompany me to breakfast? Please don’t let me beg you,” Eric said in a pleading voice. I didn’t have any choice but to say yes. I met him in the university’s cafe and ate some breakfast together. We talked and talked, getting to know each other. He was from Ipoh and now taking automotive engineering. He told me he wanted to be a pilot but his parents insisted on him taking engineering. Since he liked cars so much, he decided to take automotive. Since I was taking chemical engineering, we were in the same faculty. So, I would definitely meet him a lot more than I expected. “Can I meet you tonight, Jess?” asked Eric before going home. “I need to go somewhere with Jenny first. I’ll let you know ok?” I replied him.

It was raining cats and dogs when I went to the night market with Jenny. My clothes were soaked; luckily I was wearing a red shirt, so nothing that is not supposed to be see can be seen. On the way back to our apartment, I saw Eric hanging out with his friends. I still remember he was wearing a white shirt and short pants. I was looking at him interestingly when he suddenly looked back at me. My heart skipped a beat but I managed to wink at him. After a few seconds, my phone rang. It was Eric I figured. “Hey, thanks for the wink. Would you mind having dinner with me? I haven’t eaten yet and I’m really hungry.” I said yes to him but I told him that I wanted to take a bath first. We agreed to meet in a half an hour later. “Hey, so where are we going?” I asked Eric. Eric looked at me for a long time then answered, “Somewhere near here. Don’t worry, I won’t kidnap you la.” We walked together and talked. I asked him why he liked wearing white shirts. He told me he like the colour white. He looked good in white, I told myself. He’s very handsome and attractive. I wonder what it would be like to kiss him. He noticed that I was staring at his lips then he held my hand tightly. “Do you want to kiss me?” he asked in a teasing voice. I blushed and looked away. At the food stall, Eric kept looking at me. I was very nervous indeed wondering whether I have something on my face. I finally gathered the courage to ask him. “Hey, is there something funny on my face?” “Hahahaha. No la. I’m just looking at you. It’s relaxing!” he answered me. He managed to make me blushed again. From that day onwards, Eric kept asking me to accompany him wherever he go. We had dinner together every nite. He acted like a gentleman by paying for my behalf too, even though he didn’t admit it when I told him he was a gentleman. In the morning, we started to go to the library together. We studied and flirted a bit. It went on for almost a week. One day, He asked whether I wanted to go to Midvalley with him. I said yes without hesitating. At Midvalley, we didn’t even go to watch a movie like we wanted to; instead we ate and talked for hours. We sat on a bench inside the mall and watched people passed by. I was falling in love with him I realised. We sat closed to each other and talked about our feelings. I wanted him to know my feelings for him without me being honest. So I decided to let him hear my favourite song by Mocca ‘ I think I’m in love’. The song as I remembered, describe all the feelings that I have for him. He asked me, “Wow, someone’s in love? This song is boring la!” I smiled a little and hope that he would get it. I guess what I wished for came true. On the way back, he suddenly held my hand tightly and looked into my eyes intensely. He smiled and held it tighter. My heart was beating fast but I held his hand back and stared at his green-ish grey eyes. We looked at each other’s eyes for a long time until he said “Stop it. It’s tempting.” I felt my cheeks burning again and looked away. We held hand till we reached back. Before going back to my apartment, he told me something that I would never forget. We were sitting beside each other and he was holding my hand. He told me he wanted to tell me something but he’s not going to tell it now. “If you don’t go back tomorrow, I’ll tell you tomorrow, but if you’re going back then you just have to wait till we see each other again.” He said to me in a soft voice. “Ala, why? Tell me la. I won’t go back tomorrow then. So, just tell me now. I don’t want to wait. Please?”I replied while holding his hand tighter. He kept quiet and laughed suddenly. I waited and waited for him to open his mouth but he didn’t. Instead he just stared at the stars. “Hey, if you don’t want to tell me then fine. I’m going home now!” I said in an angry voice. Just before getting up, Eric looked at me and pulled my hand. “Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. Don’t go just yet.” He said. He filled the gaps between my fingers with his fingers and held it tightly, tighter every second. “Don’t be mad okay?” He kept quiet and looked deep into my eyes. I can feel his eyes searching my soul. “Jess, I love you.” He said in a husky voice. I was startled and shocked, so I kept quiet for a while. He was still looking at me waiting for my answer. My mind wandered whether I really love him or it’s just a crush, whether it’s the right time to tell him I love him too? Wasn’t it too early? As I looked into his eyes, I mouthed the words I love you too. He smiled and laughed, holding both my hands. He kept quiet for a while and I started to get worried. “Did I say something wrong?” I asked him. “Why are you so quiet? What’s on your mind, Eric?” I asked him curiously. “Nothing, dear. I want you, that’s all.” He replied. “Hey, I’m yours already!” I said softly. I held his hand and told him that I love him and I’m his. We talked for a while and say goodnight to each other after that. I can’t stop smiling as I walked back to my apartment, can’t wait another second to tell Jenny about what just happened.

Classes started the day before and everything was great. My classmates are all totally awesome friends. Eric was just great to me. We went out on a Saturday night to have dinner together. It was raining lightly and the weather was very cold. As we were walking, Eric suddenly held my shoulders firmly and tried to kiss me. I was startled by his action and looked away just he was about to kiss me, so he ended up kissing my cheek. “You said you want to kiss me right?” Eric said in his usual husky voice. I blushed and he kissed me in the mist. I thought that this would only happen in the movies, but it turns out normal human being like me also can have a moment like this. After studying together the next day, we hang out in an empty classroom. I asked him about his previous girlfriend. He didn’t tell much and suddenly we get into the topic of me being his girlfriend. “Do you want to be my girlfriend or not?” he asked without any feeling of romanticness. I could only answer yes. He wasn’t romantic but I was happy. I guess being his girlfriend is a big thing to me. He made me happy and that was the most important thing. On 22nd March 2008, I became Eric’s girlfriend. It was a date that I would never forget. “Hey, why are you so happy? Oh, since becoming his girlfriend your face just shines up wherever you go. He must be doing some good to you, huh?” asked Jenny teasingly. “Yeah, yeah. I love him, Jenny. I never felt this way before. I know we’re rushing into things but he just makes me so happy. I hope it will last.” I said in a hoping voice. He was in my mind every second of the minute, every day of the week. I’m crazy over him I realised. We rarely messaged each other, but it doesn’t matter. He makes me happy. At night, we went on a date. I called him once in a while; bid him goodnight and good morning every day. Without realising, the semester was ending. We studied together and at night we finished our last moments together. Before I knew it, he’s already going back tomorrow. The night before he went back, we hugged each other. “I love you, Eric. Don’t forget me, okay?” I said softly. He held my hand and started to light up his cigarette. What he said next bring tears to my eyes. “Depends.” He said in a straight voice. I looked away and stare at the stars in the sky. It hurts a lot when he said like that. I wish he would know that he’s hurting me. If only he would know how much I have started to love him. I knew from that moment that this long holiday would break us up. I was right. It wasn’t meant to be I thought. I tried my best to keep our relationship okay. I called him every night. I told him I love him every day. He started working so we don’t spend much time together. He never messaged or called me anymore. He was busy and becoming a stranger to me. I tried my best but it wasn’t enough. On 16th May 2008, we had a misunderstanding. He finally concluded that he’s not the right guy for me and we were from a different background. How fast he gave up I thought. “I told you right I’m not ready to be serious yet. I’m still young and I want to enjoy first. Don’t worry. I’ll help you get through this. After all, it was only one month. It won’t affect you that much. We can be friends and that is all that we could ever be.” He said trying to comfort me. I cried on the telephone until I was going to sleep. I felt helpless, missing him so bad; missing his touch. He became a stranger to me that night. He walked away from my life finally, just as I thought before. Only tears accompany me that night.

I woke up with a heavy heart and a tear stained face that morning. It felt like the whole world has given up on me. I don’t want to wake up anymore or dressed up again. The pain was too much for me. It was a short relationship but my feelings were strong for him; my love for him was strong. It hurts knowing that it wouldn’t be the same anymore; he would meet up with another girl and love her. I was obsessed with him. I couldn’t stop thinking nor stop contacting him. I called him every day, just to hear his voice, just to have a little faith that everything would be fine again. It went on like that for weeks or even months. Jenny started to scold me, but she was there for me to get through it. I cried every day; listening to sad love songs. Everything reminds of him; everywhere I went. Little that I realised; I started to call him less every day until I stopped abruptly. He didn’t love me anymore nor missed me. I gave up. I heard he got a new girlfriend. It broke my heart but I have to live with that awful truth. The girl must be beautiful I thought to myself every day. I was torturing myself with the thoughts of them together. I was right, I saw their pictures together, and they were a beautiful couple. I was happy for him but inside, my heart was breaking into pieces. Tears didn’t satisfy my sadness anymore. I was lost, not knowing what to do; how to be happy. There’s nothing that I can do to make him see how much he meant to me. All the tears I cried won’t bring him back no matter what.

The time flew without knowing it. I was in my second semester already. He wasn’t there for me anymore, I realised. It was hard, seeing the places we went together. It was harder seeing his friends around the campus. The hardest was seeing him, imagining him with his new girlfriend. I cried on the spot the first time I saw him again. He was riding his motorbike without a care for the world. The second time I saw him, I cried before going to sleep. It has been months but I was still not over him. Last two days ago, I saw him and we actually talked. My heart hurts like hell but I kept on smiling and talked to him. Before he went back he smiled and waved at me. If only he would know how much I’m hurting; how much I love him. I dreamt of him every night; sometimes it was sad; other nights it was happy. Waking up in the harsh reality realising that everything I’ve dreamt before was just a dream, not going to happen, just made it all worst, made me to miss him more than I already did. The other nights, I just looked at him from far away, not having the courage to say hi to him. It was pathetic but it was enough for me. I called him once in a while even though I waited every day for him to message me, to call me, but he didn’t even once. He treated me like a friend; he didn’t ignore me and made me laugh. At the end of our conversation, I said I missed him but all I could here was okay. It was sad and heartbreaking; something I have to live with everyday. Loving him from far and silently is probably the best way for both of us. I’ll cherished the memories that we made together, maybe one day I’ll finally stop loving him and moved on; maybe I’ll stay loving him forever. Who knows, but I won’t stop hoping for him to come back to me. They can take the present and the future but they can’t take the yesterdays we shared together once upon a time ago.

I called him yesterday, and the day before. I just somehow couldn’t stop calling him. We talked for almost an hour, and he treated me fine, just like a friend. We talked until I don’t know how we got into the topic of my feelings for him. It started when he asked me how my life was and was I happy with it. “Kind of.” I answered. “Why? What’s making you unhappy?” he asked me again. I kept quiet for a while but he managed to get the answers out of me. He got the point that I was talking about him, but he kept insisting on asking me who was it. It was weird, but he finally gave up as he already knew the answer. We talked for a while then he said, “Ok then. I’ll catch you later. Catch you later. Try to be happy and control your feelings ok. Forget about me, there are a lot of other guys here. I miss u. Bye.” I hang up the phone and cried. He still managed to leave me with tears. If only he knew how much he meant to me.

Hearing sad love songs right now, remind me of us, of what we use to have. I saw him today, but there was nothing I could do. I wanted to say Hi to him, casually, as a friend. Jenny insisted on me going there to him. My heart wanted to, but my brain told me no. It’ll be too heartbreaking for me, seeing him again up close. Even seeing from far is hurting more than I can take. Having so much to say, watching him all the way, never know what it could be and loving him was all what I was trying to do. What hurts the most was being so close, but couldn’t tell him what I’m feeling. Things started to get pathetic again; I called him everyday wanting to hear his voice. It was the closest thing to touching him. My friends started to say that I was being obsessed with him. I would cry if I didn’t listen to his voice for a day; but it was out of control. I was missing him so bad. I cried cause I was pathetic and I cried thinking of how long will it be like this; how long will it take for me to realise that it’s the time to move on. I want that day to happen so badly.

Days passed by and one incident that I had that day made me realised of my foolishness and how ignorant I was. He made me clear that he didn’t want to be with me anymore, how his feelings for me were just mere friends. I cried hard and I vowed to start moving on from that moment and to not let him bother my life anymore. I guess he really did hurt me badly that day because after that day, I was happier more than I have ever been in months. I smile at nights instead of crying. It was great, the feeling of finally being free from him. I’ve started to not miss him anymore nor think about him, only occasionally. My heart was empty, my feelings was nothing more than just pure happiness. I’ve made a decision to not let guys into my heart nor my life anymore. My plan went on smoothly so far; no guys, no heartbreaks, no crushes, just me and my life. J

I did a stupid thing that any girl with no brain would did it. I called him and asked whether he was free on that one particular night. He said he was and I asked him out, as friends I told him. I wanted to see him and hang out with him. I got ready and went to meet him. He was there sitting on a bench and looking at me. I walked slowly and looked around fearing I might actually get a heart attack on my way there. He looked calm and pleasant unlike me I was scared and embarrassed. It has been a long time since I last met him like this. I sat beside him and he asked how I was. I told him I was fine. We talked then suddenly it started raining. The rain must felt what I’m feeling at that moment. We went inside our faculty and continued our conversation. He said I was getting fat and some other words that which I don’t understand unfortunately. He was talking Chinese so that’s why. The rain stopped after a moment. We went to sit at the earlier bench. He kept staring at me and made me all nervous. It was like our first date all over again. I tried to give his ring back but he insisted on keeping it. Plus he said it wasn’t his. He found it at his house. I took the ring back and put it on my finger hesitantly. As I was looking at him, I wanted to tell him how I felt. I wanted to tell him I miss him so much; how my love for him is still the same. I wanted to tell him I can’t move on, but my brain stopped it. My tongue didn’t want to help me. I was alone feeling that against my brain’s will. He said his heart was hurting but he didn’t know why or he didn’t want to tell me. We sat there for almost 2 hours. We talked and act like nothing had happened. It was the most fun I had in months I realised. If only he knows how much he meant to me. Time passed and it was time to go home. I told him to go back first since I wanted to stay there and think. He stayed with me for 15 minutes then finally he said hesitantly he have to go now. He held my hand and let go. “Be careful and bye,” he said with a grin. I watched him walk away again out of my life. Maybe that was our last meeting. I couldn’t possibly ask him out again nor would he ask me out for sure. So that was the end for me and him..

a thing about UNiSeL..

The students there called it "UNIHELL"
n i totally agree with it...
the FOOD!! the most important part of a university of course..
1. Cafe or pkp - curry, curry, curry..n did i mention curry? thick,strong curry powder-smell like..the only good, thing there is the fried chicken..n the 'sambal belacan' which only appears on the days that i don't feel like eating there..n when i want to eat there, there's no sambal...then there's the roti canai stall...there's also roti2 n roti2...quite ok la...i din die after eating there,so it must be quite ok..then there's the stall that all the kelantanese ppl cook,my fav spot in th cafe..but it's always crowded especially after 8pm..then there's the naan stall, i must say it's quite good also..
2. Pantimor- the most popular place for the FSP students..we buy lunch there and go online's air-conditioned too..the food, yummy, but it's the same old food everydayyyy.....ikan keli,pajeri nanas..ikan keli..pajeri nanas..too bad it's only open during the day...too bad?nope..thank God or i'll die from too ikan keli overload..!
3. Taska- during the nights when cafe is just dull, taska is the place to be..the look has changed after this cook, new waiters with weird looking, kelantanese hat..the food?? better than cafe n pantimor..the ambience is usually ok on some days, but will smell like 'longkang busuk tahap cipan' on other days...the lights...b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l!
4. Ipis- my fav place...u have to walk quite a distance but the food, i must say is the best among others..the 'sambal belacan' is to die for..the waiters are awesome ppl...try 'nasi korek-korek' and it will change your life..haha..not!!! it's the same as nasi paprik or nasi goreng daging dun waste ur money n ur saliva on it..kuey teow kungfu and the tomyam are recommended.
5. kampung- if u want to go sumwer a bit far, out of unisel, better tasting food then this is the place to go..but BEWARE of the mosquitoes..will leave u with marks n spots..!!