What I See

honestly

i've been lying to my mind

or my heart

i'm not sure

but I have not feel beautiful

for a very long time

I have forgotten

how to feel confident

how to feel beautiful

maybe because of those words

that i hear often

made me too numb

that I can't feel beautiful anymore

I've missed you

and the old me

when i look at myself

I see an ugly girl

in the mirror

with nothing to offer

to the world

when I look at myself

I see a lonely girl

that no one will ever look at

as anything beautiful

I see a lot of weakness

that will haunt me forever

I miss my confidence

arrr me matey!

it's a different feeling

i wonder

how i would feel

when i would see you next

will it be the same

feeling

heart skipping a beat

breath taken away

cold sweats

on my forehead

eyes tearing up

all-smiles until the ear

the lines at the corner of my eyes

inviting you to look at me

will i have the same feeling

when i look at you

those eyes

that once was a part of me

awkward moment

it's kind of awkward

very awkward actually

u saw somebody eating chocolates

so u decided to ask for one

and then they hold that chocolate

pulled it towards them

and said they want it

and you were standing there

in front of those 10 pairs of eyes

waiting still

and waiting

in awkwardness

say no to racism

just for once

i wish to live in a world

free of

prejudices

stereotyping

racism

a world where

we don't see each other according to our skin colours

we see each other equally

we see each other as humans

no pigs, no dogs

just humans

and when we look at each other

it's out of mutual respect

not out of disgusts

just for once

i wish to live like that

we accept each other for who we are

hoi u bloody racists!

i know i'm not pretty

or good looking

or decent looking

but seriously dude

why the hell do you have to be so fucking racist?

cause i'm malay?

where the hell have u been living?

witches era?

*this middle finger for you*

i thought humans are waaay past this racism thingy

but guess what

humans like u still exist

u have a problem with malays u tell me straight

don't be such a dick

i try to smile when i meet people like

i try to be nice

hey we're humans

we're equal

skin colour does not matter

but somehow stupid people like u

exist in this world

why don't you put a stick up in your arse

it will complement your fugly look and your bitchy attitude

My passion or my experience?

I have this annoying voice in my head ever since I finished my practicum. It kept reminding me of my next step. My next plan. FOR MY FUTURE. I wish a letter of opportunity would come and tell me exactly what I needed. Do I follow my passion or should I just continue with what I know and what I have been doing for the past 4 years?It's a very difficult decision and I am inevitably torn between this two choices. Continuing my studies by doing Masters in TESL would be a leap stone to my still non-existent career. My going-to-be career exactly. I'll be a lecturer? A tutor? A tuiton center teacher? Any kind of career that is possible with that newly earned degree? Or taking a certificate or a diploma in Culinary Arts? A comfort food for my soul. Doing something I am absolutely passionately in love with. But where will I go on then? Do I continue another 3 or 4 years with my degree? or is that just a waste of time? What if I suddenly lose interest in it? will it all be a waste of time? My youth down in the drain doing something I am not sure of. And at this age I am very confuse with what I should do. What if I fail my Masters? What if I can't cook suddenly? If I lost my touch? So many questions running through my head, digging further into my soul. WHAT IF I MAKE THE WRONG DECISION? What would I do next? Do I become a chef or do I become a teacher? or is there more opportunities that I am not aware of? Do I be one of the young ones in a Masters' class or do I be one of the oldest one in a cooking class? Does age really matter? I just hope that by the end of this June I will already know what I want to do with my life.

change

I want to change me