i fought and lost...

It was love..finally..i thought to myself...i was in love and i was loved back..but it didn't last long..i lost the love i found..i was obsessed with that love..i didnt have the courage to let go..i want to hold on..i want to stick by his side..i want to care for him and make sure he's okay..i want to be the girl that he shares everything with..he's sorrows..he's feelings...everything...i want to be by his side until the end, giving everything that i have..i tried and tried..i kept on falling..getting hurt and crushed by the only person that i thought would never do that to me..but he did..intentionally or maybe accidentally..he came back but then he left again, even before i could say anything..or maybe i said something wrong, something that is not supposed to be said for it is a jinx for this kind of relationship. i just can't take it anymore..once is enough..to feel you're losing someone so many times is unimaginable..the feelings are too hurting..im on the verge of breaking down, once again..love can be wonderful but at times it can be deadly too..i wonder when all of this can stop..when this pain can finally end..when i can finally ease myself into living..and love again..

My guilty pleasures...

My cRushes *winks* :

-Penn Badgley
-u can watch him in 'Gossip Girl' acting as Dan Humphrey
-born November 1, 1986













-Lee Dong Wook
- u can see him in 'My Girl'
- born November 6, 1981















-Kim Ji Hoon
-u can see him in 'Love Marriage'
- born May 9, 1981












My top twenty favourite LOVE songs...
(u should try hearing it!!)

1. Ashlee simpson - Undiscovered
2. Tom Waits - I hope that I don't fall in love with you
3. Nsync - Gone
4. Agnes Monica - Matahariku
5. AJ Rafael - So quiet
6. All American Rejects - Straight jacket feelings
7. Penny Tai - Ni yau de ai
8. Darren Hayes - Insatiable
9. Death Cab for Cutie - The ice is getting thinner (look for the alternative one)
10. Cascada - Everytime we touch (find the slow version)
11. Sarah Mclaughlin - When she loved me
12. Edwin Mccain - I could not ask for more
13. The Faders - Whatever it takes
14. Faith Hill - This kiss
15. Flop Poppy - Masih
16. Jason Mraz - If it kills me
17. Jesse Mccartney - Why don't you kiss her
18. Raul Midon ft Jason Mraz - Keep on hoping
19. Jonas Brothers - Love bug
20. Within Tempations - Memories

learning to let go..

all the good people out there..(i'm sure you are all good,deep deep inside ur heart and soul,im sure u'll find the better u..)

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING..

it's always about love when it comes to me..or life..well, what else...maybe i'll write about food next time..when i have the mood...

well, love alone is never enough..you should know this..whether it's an unrequited love, unpassionate love..having the third person..the bitch..the he-bitch..the backstabber..or maybe having someone,your family against your love..ah..the forbidden love..that's the word..in this era, love alone would not survive..you need security..you need reassurance for whoever that you're going to marry will provide you with security..money,protection and so on..well, i maybe am still a teenager who you would assume that i know nothing about love..but, i've have my fair share of heartbreaks and feeling like, what i think is love..whether it's because i was bored with that guy, or that guy was bored with me, or having difference backgrounds..all are heartbreaking,being the dumper or the dumpee..well, heartbreaks for the dumpee is usually harder and horrifying. and my experience as the dumpee is much higher..if love alone is enough, then all of this feelings like getting bored with one another, or having difference backgrounds would not matter at all..but in this real harsh reality, it does..maybe u can say,just to be positive that that is not love..what i'm talking about here is not love because love is true and forever..i feel that love is a subjective matter..it can have different meaning to different people. i still think that what i've experienced is love, for those feelings made me feel like i was flying high in the air or made my life more brighter. it is love, but it just didn't last.

THE BREAK UP

the hardest part of falling in love.this is the part where u fall for real.no clouds, no prince charming to save you. only you can save yourself, not ur mom,ur dad,ur friends and mostly not ur lover.i mean ur once upon a time lover.
the moment it happen, u cried and then u laugh..the next morning u open ur eyes, u realise what has really happened..u lost someone that for all u know could be the better half of u..u cried and cried until there are no more tears left.u cried until ur heart can't bear it anymore. u cried for weeks, months or maybe years..u hope that ur lover would come back to u, that everything would be better even it has been months..u want to let go but u couldn't find the strength to let go because deep in your heart u r afraid that, that person is the one u r meant with..if u let go, all hope is lost..some say another girl or another guy can be the cure for ur sadness..anger,hate can be the remedy for ur pain..but how long does it last?will it really guarantee you a happiness that last...i say, it won't because only time can cure ur pain and ur sadness..only time can erase the memories u had with ur loved ones..all u gotta do is be strong for yourself, for the people around you..no matter how hard or how hurting the pain is, u just have to get through it and smile like it has never happened..i believe that if u kept on lying about ur feelings, then it'll be real..you'll be happy for real..letting go is tough but u gotta do it somehow because after letting go, happiness is just within your reach..one shouldn't look back and reminisce about the past, but he should look forward and never look back again,forever..just remember that everything happens for a reason..if it was meant to be then that person will come back to u..never hold back ur tears, but just let it out..

falling,flying..one step at a time..

first of all,i gotta say FLIGHT OF THE DEAD suxx...i watched it before..on tv..but i dun remember why...there's just so many things that is stupid in it, including the bloody ppl in it...why oh why did i watched it..i'm regretting it..very2 much..

secondly...i hate myself...i loathe myself..i am a weak person..i let myself hope again..n now i'm crushed...just like that..yesterday was like a dream and today it's nightmare..but i'm not going to let out my depression here like i used to..i act dunno what i'm going to write since all i do is write about depression..my depression on life and guys...guys..i hate them...i hate them all..i don't want to care anymore..the hell with them..i should go out partying and let loose...not get laid though cause that's just would be the end of me living..my life..have i even had a life yet???is this life..i don't want it..it sucks..but other people's life sucks even more so someone should slap me face now and make me realised that my life is actually good and i have all these ppl around me who cares for me..

MUGGLE- ur my best friend..i love u...u have been there whenever i need u..ur like my guidance..never hiding things from me..u just said everything starightforward how i've changed into a bad person..how bitchy i can be..but u r there for me no matter what..n i thank u for that cz without u my life would be meaningless and who noes ill be more than just a bitch..

WIWIE-ur my other half..we practically have the same mind..we go crazy together and u alwiz listen to my shit..ur one of my besties..eventhough i sumtimes dun 'layan' u but i gotta say i love u..if ur not here i wud go crazy..siyes shite!

SYU-ur my besties..life have been hard on u but still u listen to my crap too..n im going to do the same for u cz ur my fren n dats what i do best..u just gotta hang on babe..

SANAH-uve been with me since my sem 1..u listen to my moans about life eventhough it bores u..i noe la wei..we've been tru hell together..(hell-r*ifan*)...wutever it is...ur my bitch n ill b ur bitch..ahaks..

BYLA-i dunno wuts ur prob is..honestly i dunno wuts the connection betw ur bf n us cz u shud noe frens will alwiz be there for u..n u shouldn ditch us like ur doin now...i jz hope ull realise it before its too late..but i still love u mate..

CHOMEY-ur still new to our group but i love u n hope we'll stay frens forever..plus ull 'layan' wiwie whenever i dun have the mood to..

SYAFIQ-ur one of my oldest fren..ur my pet bro n i love u...u've been there wen i need u..u pick my calls with ur friendly 'hello's..u listen to me..u advice me...u cried wen i cried..i hope we can stay like this forever..

my forgotten favourite,,

i didn't know that it can happen like this..
a feeling which at first i thought was nothing at all..
a feeling that won't affect me..
but it grew into sthin more..
sthin that i am regretting now..
regretting that i opened my heart and all i got was another heartache..
i made a mistake that now leads to bigger mistake..
im trying, reli trying only God knows how to ignore these feelings..
which only brings destruction to me..
a part of me wanted..
a part of me didn't want it..
i wanted to let go and i did..
but now i feel that the best thing to do is not to let go..
hide the feelings..
i will love u in silent..
hope in silent..
for some things are better left unsaid..
i won't die out of this..
i've got my friends..
even if some of them prefer to leave me..
for some reasons..
but the ones who stayed..
i know they are the true ones..
maybe a friend caused this pain im feeling..
a friend...i guess...
i miss the old days..
i want to get back before all of this happens..
a time where happiness is usual..
smiling is a part of me..
things will be better i hope..

pink desperation..

am i becoming desperate when every night i'll feel alone and gloomy...??
desperate as in desperate to become depressed?
does this makes any sense?
i coloured my hair pink..then red..then blue..
but it's just a temporary colour..
so no big..
if i can make it permanent then i know that the old 'me' is gone..
i've become a bad, rebellious, sinful girl..
that's my thoughts on this..
is it the same as smoking cigarettes?
or less worst?
or maybe much more worst?
i feel like i'm losing someone dear to me..
i miss that someone..
but then i also loathe that person..
i thought that person was different..
but in the end it's all the same..
same old thing..
same old mistake..
have i lost that feeling once again?
have i lost the chance to find happiness again?
my mixed up feelings..
will it change me?
will it change for the better me?
i want love..
a real and true one..
i want to feel it again..
and i want to be happy..
i want it to be unending..
is it possible??
or impossible?
that's the question..

fOur lEttEr wOrd...

finding someone who can make u smile..who can make ur heart smile..is it important? how to find that someone??
when is it love is powerful?
the love that still stands strong after years of loneliness?
the love that stay the same or even stronger after going through a lot of hardships?
what is LOVE?
a feeling?
a verb?
is it love when we have to sacrifice?
is it love when we would do anything for that someone?
do we have to think with our hearts more or our brain more when we're in love?

love is supposed to be something enchanted, magical, pure and true....
that's what I learnt from reading too much of fairy tales..
my knight in shining armour, my prince charming, my frog prince, my saviour..
and i am always the damsel in distress..
but as i grew older, these rubbish perceptions changed..
love doesn't seem so magical anymore, nor true..
i loved and lost..
it happens many times until my heart says NO!
i stopped loving anyone, finding myself..
but it didn't last long..
love came when I least expected it..
when I finally closed the door to my heart..
it came knocking and entered without my permission..
gave me hope only to let me be crushed again in dreams and hopes i've once had..
I cried, trying to hold onto something that is vulnerable..
It didn't matter whether it's hurting me or not..
I just didn't want to lose the love i found..
The pain finally got into my brain..
I finally let go both of my hands..
I end up with nothing but a great relief..
I found the courage to let go..
That's what matters most to me..
Love can come again..I will be ready..
and until I found that one true love, I'll keep on holding and letting go..